Early Retirement

Due to the current financial situation, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over the age of 30 on early retirement. This scheme will hereafter be known as RAPE (Retire All Personnel Early)

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A personmay be RAPED only once and SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropiate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special Help Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives it's staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your line Manager. He or she has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Knicked from a thread on DDN