Rugby World cup, pre-match rituals

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing a whisky bottle over their opponents' heads.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

4. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament, won it single handedly and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK government will be heard.

10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the officials.

12. The Australians will have a bar-b before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their friends to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.

13. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following complaints from the RSPCA.